Trope-A-Dope: Romance

“Never Go To John Carey For Romantic Advice” – Mr. Darcy Simps, Circa 2010.  

Did you know Valentine’s day is tomorrow, dear reader?

You know Valentine’s day: the day technically about expressing one’s love for someone that has been so completely butt fucked by corporate America that for a few special hours roses suddenly and inexplicably cost forty fucking dollars and a dark chocolate snickers becomes the culinary equivalent of a goddamned blood diamond.

Not that I’m bitter or anything (I am) but what better way to celebrate this commercially bastardized celebration of the heart than by sharing and shitting on some of my most deplored romance tropes?

For your consideration:    

1. The Bad Boy

So, I have some issues with Fourth Wing.

What’s that? Oh, sorry. That came out of nowhere. *ahem*  The Bad Boy is usually depicted as being hot. Dangerous. He doesn’t follow the rules.

Chances are he’s also a giant dick to the female protagonist but she ends up getting the hots for him anyway because “forbidden fruit” and “I can change him” blah blah blah.

Look, abuse isn’t less abusive just because the guy abusing you has abs and a foot long cock.

Tamp down your lady boner and get some help before you end up on an episode of Criminal Minds.  

2. The One Night Stand

I really don’t get this one, dear reader. I don’t get anything “spicy” or “mysterious” here.

In fact, anytime two characters jump each other’s bones and part ways I just end up thinking they’re both sluts and have the emotional depth of a fucking kiddy pool.

What’s really depressing is this is presented as almost an expectation in modern society rather than a giant character flaw. Personally, I don’t find the perpetuation of “getting used” is something we should idealize. Like, I’m not one to kink shame but fuck that.

Have your character’s have some self respect, step up and don’t be so goddamned horny they do something they regret or, worse, intentionally pump and dump someone because they have the emotional intelligence of a stump.

3. The Seasonal Romance

Yes, dear reader, this is me calling out every Hallmark movie ever made.

Somewhere just now several friend’s mothers just stopped what they were doing and got a sudden urge to cross me off their Christmas newsletter but I care not!

Seasonal romances drive me up a fucking wall. Perhaps because I don’t associate “spending time with the family” with getting my dick wet but apparently some people do.

Do with that information what you will.

4. The Secretly Rich/Someone Else.

Yes, I’m double dipping here but if you like this trope then chances are so are you.

This whole “omg just kidding the love interest is also filthy rich/another person than whom you thought they were” is, to me, simply an excuse to validate being a gold digger.

You try and justify it to yourself saying the protagonist loved them BEFORE the reveal but we both know that’s just it- a shallow justification to get to what you really want: a fantasy involving modern day prince charming who’s going to sweep the protagonist off their feet to pamper them in his seaside villa and pay for their dresses and spa days because he knows they love him for the REAL him.

Just be honest with yourself is all I’m saying.

5. The Love Triangle

Gag me with a spoon, dear reader.

This is the unholy grail of cringe.

This trope has been done to death, revived, killed, and resurrected again so many times in shitty romances it’s honestly just become a sad fact of reality.

“Oh, these boys are fighting over my affections and I just can’t choose which one!”

Fuck you.

That’s not romantic. That’s being a piece of shit.

Making people compete for your genitalia and treating them like slabs of meat as they vie for a chance to hit it is just pathetic. I get everyone likes feeling desired but for fuck’s sake would it kill you to act like a human being instead of a fuckable trophy for five minutes?

Hell, maybe you’re into that, and, again, I don’t want to kink shame, but, yes, I do, and you’re wrong.

Try forming an emotional connection to another human being for once. Mix things up a little.    

So, there you have it, dear reader: five incredibly hot takes that probably spiced up your Valentine’s’ day in ways you weren’t expecting when you initially found your way to this post.

How’d I do? Do you agree with these takes? Did I inadvertently step on your toes or shit on one of your guilty pleasures?

Food for thought.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take out a second mortgage to acquire a box of strawberries because someone ate the ones I’d bought ahead of time.

Until next time.