Retro Rants: The Odyssey

Please Stop Banging Me I Just Want To Go Home

Chances are you’ve heard of this one, dear reader. The story of the Greek hero Odysseus trying to make his way back home from the Trojan war while a very miffed Poseidon tries to keep him from doing just that. It’s a classic, and one you were likely made to suffer through at some point in school.

Believe it or not many of us actually enjoyed following Odysseus as he fought, outsmarted, and screwed his way across the Mediterranean in a wonderfully fun adventure, but did you ever stop to consider The Odyssey as one of the best romance novels of all time?

Yes, I know. Please close your dropped jaw before you swallow a fly.

Now let’s get something clear: Odysseus is a stereotypical warrior-hero of ancient Greece with the added bonus of being the cleverest man in the world. Time and time again he outsmarts the obstacles before him…usually at the expense of the lives of a couple of his men (whether it’s being eaten by a cyclops, being turned into a pig by a witch, or being outright eaten by sea monsters, being on Odysseus’ crew meant you’d better have a doozy of a life insurance policy). While most people point to his clever word play and outthinking (or tricking) of gods, witches, and monsters as to what makes The Odyssey truly memorable, to me it’s all about the love story between Odysseus and his wife, Penelope. 

As I’ve said Odysseus is one of the stereotypical warrior-heros of ancient Greece. Following that blueprint he’s supposed to- nay, expected to be all brawn and no brains, a muscular Neanderthal that lets his dick do all the thinking. And don’t get me wrong, Odysseus can (and indeed does) fight and fuck with the best of them. However, in addition to being able to think with the head on his shoulders, he’s also strikingly different from other warrior-heroes in one important regard: he’s incredibly devout to his wife.

I’ll grant you that at face value this story is nothing more than the expected macho-chest thumping. However, if you read between the lines, the entire Odyssey is Odysseus rebelling against the established social norms. While the Iliad was written almost like a grand opera or stand alone movie, The Odyssey is something more akin to a TV series or multi act play. The reader flashes between seeing Odysseus working to get home to seeing what is actually going on in said home, increasing the drama and tension as the lives of his family are increasingly threatened by his continued absence. Through it all, however, is the singular common thread of the drama surrounding Odysseus’ marriage.

You see Odysseus was one of the Greeks who went to war against Troy (see the Iliad). A war that lasted ten years. But all the heroes who’d survived had begun to trickle back into Greece- all except our titular hero who hadn’t managed to piss off the god of the sea (always a good idea when you then need to sail home). With Odysseus believed dead an entire hoard of suitors takes up residence in his home in an effort to bang his wife, kill his son, drink his beer/spend his gold- and not necessarily in that order.

Penelope, however, believes that Odysseus yet lives and so sets about tricking the suitors into delaying the date by which she must choose a new husband or be cast out. Her love for her spouse is clear and poignant.

And the same goes for Odysseus!

…sort of.

Now right off the bat it’s clear Penelope isn’t the only woman in Odysseus’ life but bear with me here. First off it’s implied early on that he has a relationship with Athena (the goddess of wisdom) that may or may not have been more than platonic. Yet, during the narrative, Athena is committed to helping Odysseus get back home to his wife (almost like helping an ex you’re on good terms with change a flat tire). Next on his journey Odysseus meets Circe, a witch who simultaneously hates all men and yet oozes sex appeal. When he outsmarts her to save his men she throws herself at him, offering sex in exchange for her life….and he takes her up in it. One might think it rather strange for a man so bent on seeing his beloved wife to bang it out with a witch on a tropical island but consider this, dear reader: he doesn’t bang for fun (or at least not entirely) but to save his men.

Oh, wow, I think I actually heard your eyes rolling at the excuse of “but, honey, I had to do the witch doggy style! It was for the good of the crew!”

Take into consideration, however, that next time we see Odysseus he is staring at his ships with tears in his eyes, refusing to be called back to bed. His warrior-hero’s obligation to his men complete he wants no part of the sexy witch. The contract is fulfilled, so to speak, and so he finds no reason to, ah, fulfill Circe any longer (side note that Odysseus was apparently so good in bed he turned Circe back on to men. 10/10)

Still not convinced? Well I don’t blame you.

But let’s fast forward to when Odysseus has escaped Circe and his adventures have lost him his crew, his ship, and left him clinging to a piece of driftwood and pondering whether he is going to drown before he can die of exposure. It is at this point that Odysseus is saved by the goddess Calypso.

Here’s the thing, dear reader; Greek gods and goddesses are known for classlessly fucking mortals and then throwing them by the wayside. It’s somewhat surprising then when Calypso genuinely falls in love with our boy. That’s right: a god fell in love with Odysseus again if you bite on that whole Athena business. Yet, again, while Odysseus is, sigh, “forced” to fulfill the…ahem…warrior hero’s obligation (because refusing a Greek god sex is a good way to have your flesh peeled from your bones while you’re still alive) he eventually gets desperate enough to leave that he admits to her that, while he does like her he only has love in his heart for Penelope.

Ponder that, dear reader. In a world where refusing a god the time of day could end with you and your entire family suffering a fate so horrible that the people would shudder at its mention for generations to come this motherfucker tells a goddess that, no, he won’t stay with her any longer and that, no, he can’t love her and that, no, he won’t “oblige” her anymore because he needs to get home to his wife!

He quite literally collapses on the beach and cries after this declaration until the gods themselves take note on Olympus and team up to guilt-trip Poseidon into letting him get home already.

Now, I’m sure what I just described doesn’t strike you as ideal husband material and rightly so. Understand that warrior-heroes weren’t meant to think. They were meant to empty their balls and kill people.

That is it. That is the culmination of their existence.

Odysseus though? It’s almost like he doesn’t want to. He wants to think and almost sighs with resignation with having to acting the brawny hero once he has no other options. Most importantly he wants to be with the woman he loves. He’s a selfish, flawed little prick sometimes but he’s not trying to get fame like most Greek heroes—he’s trying to gain knowledge.

And Penelope is the perfect complement to his overly curious ass.

Take into consideration that when Odysseys finally makes it home he is the hero triumphant. He is riding high. He. Is. Victorious.

…and then he talks to his wife.

Think about this, dear reader: Penelope has been awaiting the return of her husband with bated breath for years, instantly recognizes him through his disguise (which was done by a GOD mind you), dries her tears of thanks before he can see them and doesn’t run into his arms all just so she can fuck with him a little.

Nice to know some things never change, huh?

So, yes, she pretends not to immediately notice it’s her beloved in disguise. She pretends to be actually considering marrying someone else. She and Odysseus begin to verbally spar with each other and you begin to realize they may both know the other knows but doesn’t want to show they know that they know the other knows that they know.

It’s coy, it’s playful, and it’s one of the most enjoyable interactions in the whole book. It also serves to show in an instant that Penelope can hold her own with the cleverest man to have ever lived, a feat no one else in the Greek world could match, deities included.

But, towards the end of their little game, Penelope plays a masterstroke by pretending to have moved the marital bed she and Odysseus had shared into a different room. Now, Odysseus was extremely proud of having made this bed himself as it incorporated a living tree into one of the bedposts. This of course meant that in order to have moved it she would have had to have cut the tree and ruined his gift to her. And what happens when she makes this claim?

Odysseus loses his shit, dear reader.

#Unimpressed

All cool headedness and cleverness disappears and he drops the charade of being an old man and dances around their room going “you did what?! Jesus fuck, Penelope! I worked forever on that! You said you liked it! You said it meant everything to you!”

And when he’s done he turns to find Penelope smiling at him and giving him that good old “gotcha” moment before running in to give him a kiss.

She succeeds where no mortal or god could: she pulled a fast one on the smartest man alive.

The ploy ended, the two lovers tearfully embrace—and then work together to craft a plan on how to most efficiently kill the suitors who’ve been threatening their family.

You see, dear reader, Penelope couldn’t be a warrior-hero since she was a woman. That just wasn’t done in ancient Greece. Penelope was supposed to be meek, subservient even. Instead she tricked every man who dared question her and rocked up to the smartest man in the world and played him like a fiddle, leaving him speechless and floundering and in love.

And if that isn’t a story for the ages I don’t know what is. 

So give this one another go over if you get the chance.

After all, who doesn’t like a good love story?