Retro Rants: Great Expectations

Oh Charles Dickens You Silly Bitch.

Truth be told I’m not a huge fan of ol’Dickey boy, dear reader. I don’t hate him, mind you. In fact, I quite enjoy nearly every one of his works.

The meat of his stories are fascinating. Enthralling even! It’s just that….well, he falls into the realm of antiquated authors whose style of writing is so far removed from my own that I need to be in the right mood/frame of mind/functional drunkenness to fully appreciate their narrative prowess.

Despite this handicap Dickens has a certain charm about him that draws me in every single time. Where I may have to brute force my way through the work of one of his contemporaries, Dickens’s stories simply need a gentle nudge to get going. Kind of like easing yourself deeper into a particularly icy cold stream as opposed to trying to break down a brick wall with nothing but your hopes and dreams.

Reading Great Expectations for the first time in highschool was no different. While everyone else groaned and rolled their eyes I was enthralled. Pip was my BOY, dear reader. He was on a journey, and burn my grits if I just didn’t need Chucky Dick to give me some gosh darn answers.

Broken up into three distinct parts, the story covers our hero, Pip, as a child, young man, and full blown adult.

The opening is one of the most laughably stereotypical Charles Dickens openings ever conceived: Pip (who, naturall, is your typical beat-to-shit urchin who lives with his pissy sister and good natured yet utterly useless husband) is visiting the graves of his parents on Christmas eve.

Because nothing says “Charles Dickens” like Christmas, poverty, and death, am I right? (looking at you A Christmas Carol).

While decking the halls with memories of better days Pip is accosted by gasp! an escaped convict who, naturally, threatens to kill him if he doesn’t fetch some food and tools he can use to break his bonds. Pip of course obliges, even managing to sneak the convict some brandy because Pip is a true bro and knows you can’t have a good celebration without hooch. After Pip returns home who should arrive but a couple of soldiers looking for an escaped convict. Pip tags along with the soldier as they follow the convict’s trail into the marsh (because let’s be honest no one gave a shit about child safety during this period) and come across the convict from earlier as he brawls with another escaped convict.

Convict A recognizes Pip and claims he stole the food and tools to keep the poor boy from getting into trouble (honor among thieves indeed!) as he’s carted off to jail.  

Fast forward a few years and an eccentric spinster named Miss Havisham requests an acquaintance to….find a boy to come calling on her. Yeah, this ones always struck me as a little weird but England is as England does I guess.

Anyhow, Pip shows up and finds the spinster prancing around in a wedding dress and prattling on to a  smoking hot piece of ye olde ass known as Estella (miss Havisham’s adopted daughter). Pip is immediately smitten but Estella is, for lack of a better term (and in my own humble opinion), an unrepentant bitch. She’s aloof and downright mean, being openly hostile towards Pip until she sees him throw hands with another boy whereupon she “rewards” him to plant a single kiss on her cheek.

Sounds like a real winner, right? I dunno, maybe this was the Victorian England version of second base and I’m the problem but feel like she could have said thank you or something.

So Pip continues to fall deeper into the Victorian thirst trap, continuing his visits to Estella and Miss Havisham for years on end until he grows old enough to learn a trade (which, surprise surprise given his brother-in-law is a blacksmith: is blacksmithing).

Fast forward yet a few more years and Pip is plucky blacksmith’s apprentice and is informed an anonymous patron (who Pip assumes is Miss Havisham) has provided him with enough funds to become *gasp* a gentleman!

So Pip goes to London and demonstrates remarkable foresight by immediately seeing it for the shithole it is yet continues to visit Estella while somehow failing to see her for the shithole she’s growing into, just in time to see her skip over him in favor of brutish thug she thinks has better financial prospects.

Now I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger…but she certainly is a slut.

I digress.

Completing the emotional roundhouse kick to the nuts Pip then discovers that his benefactor is not, in fact, Miss Havisham but Dun DunDUUUUUUNNNN the convict he helped escape all those years ago!

Now here’s the thing, dear reader: even though I love this story I’ve always considered the third act to be a massive clusterfuck of revelation and unintentional hilarity. Case and point…*ahem* Estella marries the thug, Miss Havisham’s dress catches fire and she burns to death, Estella is revealed to be the Convict’s daughter, Pip avoids being murdered only to get the convict arrested again, Pip gets royally fucked over and has to escape the country to work in Egypt for a few years only to then return to England and find Estella widowed after having endured an abusive marriage.

Having come to terms with her tomfuckery she has now shed her outer bitchy shell and can properly express emotion, including remorse. She takes Pip’s hand and they….live happily ever after?

I dunno to be honest I’ve always found Estella puzzling. And maybe thats the point.  

Regardless, while the story as a whole is (in my personal opinion) an unrepentant clusterfuck, watching Pip grow out of ignorant boyhood into a young adult before become a world weary yet somehow still upbeat and hopeful adult while beating the shit out of some folks, aiding convicts, sneaking hooch to the boys and staring in dumbfounded awe as Miss Havishim immolates in her boudouir… well, it’s certainly not dull!